[an interlude of prayer]

Are you hearing this, Dionysus? I've no idea what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it, at all. You don't have to come where I am. There's no trouble, other than the trouble we're all in, it's only ...

This is the sort of thing people pray about it, isn't it? I'm happiest when I have a plan, you know, but there are problems that can't be planned around. Some things are up to others, and you can prod and suggest but you can't control what they do. I've figured that out. I used to believe, if I could control nothing else, I could control my own emotions ... and I've tried to control those around me. Soothing tempers or stoking them, making someone laugh with a well-timed story, planting ideas that will grow into passions, whenever it's of use to me. But then I fell in love with ... the saddest young man in the world. I could not control that. Nor could I control his sadness. 

Now I'm marrying him. And you'll be the one marrying us ... but we'd never have gotten to this point if I kept trying to control things. I should tell you the story sometime. 

That's not the point. You see, this is what I always say, I have no idea how to pray. Are you hearing this? I either hope you are, or I hope this is a failure, and you can go about your day without me rambling in the recesses of your mind. But if you are hearing me.

I love Galahad. I love him an absurd amount. If I had my way, he would never know a moment's sadness. He would have every pleasure he asked for, every joy there is to offer. He would have no enemies, and only the most devoted of friends. But he made his friends without me, and they were good to him. Shen Yuan and Magnus. A triad, like myself and Crowley and Wangji. There is nothing stronger than a triad, that's why threes are so prominent in alchemy. Laertes made a clever comment about that. That's not the point, either. I'm afraid -- 

Shen Yuan is dead. For now. There's nothing to be done about that. Did you know I spoke to his spirit? He's been watching over Galahad, watching him train, watching him draw ... I think this might inspire Galahad to start drawing again. So in a sense, Galahad still has his triad, even if one of its members is ethereal. Magnus and his partner had dinner with us, it was lovely. A remarkable young woman (who is sometimes a man). But Magnus ... I believe Magnus has made some assumptions about how Galahad feels. I've no doubt he's the same as I am. If he had his way, Galahad would never know a moment's sadness -- we've spoken about supporting Galahad many times. But Shen Yuan is dead. When someone is dead, you have to feel some sadness. I tried not to. You remember.

Am I imagining that there's a distance between them? They didn't speak much at dinner, but Galahad never does, and Alex was so charming I'm sure Magnus was content to simply listen. Do they speak when I'm not around? There's a secret Magnus is keeping, that he hadn't told Galahad. I told Galahad for him. But why wouldn't he tell his closest friend? Was I wrong to assume Galahad was his closest friend? Did I want it to be true? 

Do close friends tell one another their secrets?  Wangji and I have an oath to be honest with each other. We're sworn brothers, believe it or not. You can imagine how I feel about brothers. But I never had such close friends in Elsinore. I kept them at an arm's length -- it wouldn't do for anyone to know me too well and have too much reason to suspect me, when it came to you-know-what. I didn't want anyone to find out, not even if they hated the king as much as I did. I didn't want them to share my sin. I did it all alone. I tried to tell Magnus ... there's no need for that here. Any one of us would happily help him, in anything he needs to do. Even assassinating a monarch, if I'm honest. I tried to tell him -- but I can't control him.

I will always be with Galahad. I will always support him, and stay with him, through anything that happens. Shen Yuan is watching over him. But what of the other third of their triad? Surely they both miss him. Why aren't they together every day, toasting strange drinks to Shen Yuan's memory?

I want more than anything to contrive some coy meeting, to put them together and force them talk. Like Emma and her match-making -- Emma is a character in a book. We all are, but it was a book I read here. With my friends.

Magnus will speak to Galahad without me, won't he? He's always been an open young man. We became closer when I was under a truth spell, but he didn't need one. He spoke his mind without reserve. But Magnus ... hasn't been behaving like himself. He cried in my arms.

It's the same with him, you know. I would do anything to keep him from sadness. I see him running from it, but without a way out, he's only going to run deeper and deeper into those woods. I can't stop him. What do you do when you can't control everything? 

I suppose some people pray.

If you are hearing this, Dionysus ... please do go back to your day. But thank you. For listening.